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Mike Sherman Makes a Funny

Sideline interviews involving Texas A&M’s Mike Sherman paint a picture of a football-obsessed mind, one cluttered by blocking schemes, hot routes and two-point conversion scenarios — you don’t think of Sherman as a joker, a prankster or comedian, not like we viewed his former coaching rival Mike Leach. Sherman’s Christmas letter to those Texas high school coaches on his mailing list, on the other hand, paints a picture of a coach both capable of leading the Aggies to a 9-3 regular season and of having a measure of fun at his own expense.

Via the Houston Chronicle’s Richard Justice, who reprinted Sherman’s letter in full on his blog:

As the state finals rapidly come to a close this weekend and another Texas High School football season nears its conclusion, still another season comes upon us which is more challenging and under even greater scrutiny than the 2010 season we just finished: the “Christmas Season” when you have to buy your wife a present.

No dissection of the West Coast offense here: Sherman’s giving advice on what to buy your significant other for Christmas. We’re all ears. Sherman goes on to write:

The following is my short list of pitfalls I have learned that you may want to avoid when picking out the perfect gift for your wife.

The Husky 2600ps 2.4 GPM Power Washer

As much as I have tried to defend this idea in my simple little mind, it was a bad idea. I guess just because she said she wanted the driveway and patio “power washed”, it doesn’t mean she wanted to do it herself with her own power washer. I must say it was the “Cadillac of power washers” though with 6 different nozzles and power settings, as well as 2600 ps and 2.4 gallons per minute..

Zirconia Diamond Bracelet

You can have a great Christmas with the Zirconia product which is a “synthetic” diamond. You’re happy because it is extremely cheaper than real diamonds – she’s happy because she thinks you spent all this money on an “authentic” diamond bracelet for her…and you are the best husband a woman could ever hope for…at least until she goes to insure it three weeks later and finds out after the fact that it’s not real…

Anything from Continental’s Sky Mall Magazine

I’ve gone this route too many times. Buying her a present thumbing through a magazine while flying around the State of Texas recruiting is not her idea of putting much “thought or effort” into her gift. Heck, you still have to make the phone call! Doesn’t that count for something?! I’ve made this mistake more than I care to admit.

Buying an Outfit off the Store Manikin

Now, I’m fairly sure Sherman meant to write “mannequin.” Listen: Sherman’s a football coach, and a pretty good one at that. He’s not an English teacher. His advice for picking an outfit out of a store window:

I hate malls like most men so I only go into a mall if there’s a store with great parking and easy in easy out access. Not a problem. The problem arises when you walk into the store and pick the first woman’s outfit you see on a manikin as your wife’s Christmas present… How would she know I pulled the slacks, sweater, blouse, coat, scarf, etc. off a store manikin in the women’s department of Dillard’s in Green Bay, Wisconsin? I’d get points for matching all the items – plus multiple gifts. She’ll think … “he put a lot of thought into this right!” I forgot one thing. When she brought the items back to exchange, which she usually does whenever I pick out clothing, she entered the same door I did right by the entrance to the store and saw the same manikin I saw dressed in her outfit that I supposedly “picked out myself”…

Christmas Card with Money In It

Out of frustration one year, I went this route. This was a bad idea from the start but I was desperate… I’ve got to admit, I learned something that evening of December 25, 2003. Our couch in the den was not very comfortable. I also learned if I don’t get this right next time, I’d better start thinking about investing in a larger more comfortable couch!!

Nothing

For those newly married or young coaches never fall for this trap. The veteran coaches who are married will tell you this about wives. When she says “Honey … I do not want you to buy me anything for Christmas”…when she says this … and listen to me carefully … when she says she wants “nothing for Christmas” … RUN … do not walk … to the nearest Talbots, Neiman Marcus or Nordstrom’s with your American Express or Visa card as well as a picture ID and buy her the most expensive thing in the store. Bite the bullet on the cost- it will be worth it in the end.

In closing:

Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

Gig ‘Em and God Bless

Mike Sherman

Who needs Mike Leach when you have Mike Sherman doling out marital advice?

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Comments

  1. Bob J says:

    I would say this reads like something out of the New Yorker magazine, but having heard from my friends in New York what opinion Texans have of them, I’ll just say it’s pretty funny.

    Paul: You know, a Packers guy had told me before that Sherman’s personality is actually one of his major strengths. Hadn’t seen it so far, of course. But this was really great stuff. It’s clear that Sherman is far from the buttoned-up coach we thought he was.

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