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All These Coaches Want For Christmas Is…

By Paul Myerberg   //   Dec 24, 2011

What I’m expecting for Christmas: socks, books, a sweater and an assortment of home goods. What I want for Christmas: toys — I think I still want toys for Christmas. What I’ll get for Christmas: socks, books, a sweater and an assortment of home goods. I still remember when I got laser tag as a kid; that was special. Now? It’s still special, but more so for the family time than the presents. So I’ve grown up — or grown old, or some combination of the two. And you can’t always get what you want: just ask some of college football’s best coaches, who asked for something they really want and need for Christmas but will likely end up with socks, books — maybe not books, actually — a sweater and an assortment of home goods.

Somehow, the following Christmas wish lists destined for the South Pole got rerouted to Pre-Snap Read Headquarters, U.S.A., Planet Earth. What follows is what some of college football’s brightest minds wanted for Christmas; thanks to dozens of well-placed sources, I’ve been able to discover what each has waiting under the tree instead. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Nick Saban, Alabama Wanted a kicker, preferably one capable of making at least two out of four attempts against L.S.U. in January. Got a DVD copy of the only real Game of Century: Oklahoma and Nebraska from 1971.

Les Miles, L.S.U. Wanted a rule forbidding non-seniors from entering the N.F.L. Draft. Got a year’s subscription to High Times Magazine; a befuddled great aunt mistook that type of grass for the sort Miles likes to put between his teeth.

Willie Taggart, Western Kentucky Wanted to head to bowl play as the second-place team in the final Sun Belt standings. Got a $20,000 check for winning seven games, which softens the blow.

Lane Kiffin, U.S.C. Wanted yellow and black beanies to go with the all-white version he rocked in November. Got a senior season from Matt Barkley.

Randy Edsall, Maryland Wanted an offensive coordinator to help turn around his disastrous debut season. Got Mike Locksley.

Bill Snyder, Kansas State Wanted some respect — for his team, not on an individual level. Got a new windbreaker, which should allow him to replace the 2004 Fiesta Bowl jacket he wore for much of this season.

Mack Brown, Texas Wanted a quarterback: the next Vince Young would be great, but he’d settle for the next Major Applewhite — he might settle for the next Chris Simms. Got a dispensation allowing his cable provider to carry the Longhorn Network.

Matt Campbell, Toledo Wanted a new suit, seeing that he’ll get more camera time as Tim Beckman’s successor. Got a secondary form of identification to show when he buys beer on Saturday nights; 32, Campbell looks 25.

Todd Graham, Arizona State Wanted everyone to forget about the way he left Pittsburgh. Got a new pay-as-you-go plan for his cell phone, which should help offset the charges on his bill for all that text messaging.

Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M Wanted the Aggies to hit the ground running in the SEC. Got a refrigerator magnet listing his 2012 conference schedule: Florida, L.S.U., Alabama and Arkansas — and those are just the home games.

Chris Petersen, Boise State Wanted some peace and quiet. Got another hand-written letter from Penn State, followed by a request for another meeting, followed by an email, followed by another email, followed by…

Mike Leach, Washington State Wanted Craig James out of football. Got what he wanted.

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Tags: Bill Snyder, Chris Petersen, Kevin Sumlin, Lane Kiffin, Les Miles, Mack Brown, Matt Campbell, Mike Leach, Nick Saban, Randy Edsall, Todd Graham, Willie Taggart

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