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“50 Ways to Win the Heisman”

By Paul Myerberg   //   Nov 2, 2010

Paul Simon was born in New Jersey, educated in Queens and is a favorite of the liberal elite — yet music is music, after all, and can sooth the savage beast even down in SEC country. It can be said that a song like “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” released in 1975, gets even better with age; for a loyal Auburn fan, it gets even better with a slight modification to the lyrics. Feast your ears on “50 Ways to Win the Heisman,” a Simon tune rewritten as a dedication to Auburn’s Cam Newton, who has enraptured the nation — and this fan in particular — with his stunning run towards the Heisman.

The addictive chorus — the Cam Newton version:

“Just pitch to the back, Jack
Throw to the end, Glen
Run down the field, Bill
And score a T.D.

Quick snap the ball, Paul
Quarterback draw, y’all
Another first down, Brown
That is the key”

And the original lyrics, as written by Simon:

“You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free

Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free”

Little known fact: in 1985, Bo Jackson’s Heisman run was immortalized by one Auburn fan with a rewritten version of Ellen Barton’s “If I Knew You Were Comin’ I’d've Baked a Cake,” which hit the top of the Billboard charts in March of 1950. Sadly, the lone V.H.S. copy of the recording has long been misplaced.

Update The War Eagle Reader landed the first interview with Mark Stewart, the crooner seen above. A little bio on Stewart:

(The War Eagle Reader) connected with the 53-year old bearded balladeer via the Android phone he used to record his baptism into Cam Consciousness to find out a little bit about him (currently works at Red Stone Arsenal in Huntsville, born at East Alabama Medical Center in Opelika where his father served as hospital administrator in the Year of Our Championship 1957, graduated – Rebels represent – from Vestavia Hills in Birmingham in 1975, attended Auburn from ’75-76) and just what it is about Cam Newton that led him to film himself covering Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” as “50 Ways to Win the Heisman.”

A terrific pull from the one-on-one interview:

TWER: If it turns out as good as it can, but Newton decides to turn pro before his senior season, won’t it be weird to think back on this one, glorious “Season of Cam”?

Well, I’ve thought about that a lot. The way I see it is this: I see myself as kind of like those old Red Sox fans. There was a movie about Red Sox fans and I don’t know if you saw it but they interviewed all these old people, these Red Sox fans in the 80s, who’d never seen the Red Sox win a World Series and they were saying ‘just one, I’d like to see just one before I die. Please, just one.’ Well, my brother died a few years ago, he died before his time. He was just nine years older than me. And well, he didn’t get to see it. And I sorta feel that way. Just once… just once. Please win it this year. Just once. I don’t want a dynasty. I don’t want to be an arrogant Alabama fan counting championships and fudging them. Just one would be fine with me. And if he helps us win this one, just one, that’s fine with me. That’d be enough for me. Seriously. I want to see him stay, but he’s got to do what’s right for him.

That section above about Bo Jackson was a joke, obviously, and not a great one at that. There actually was a similar ode done to Jackson, as TWER points out:

Surely it bests even Randy Campbell’s 1984 ode-to-Bo reworking of “Mr. Bo Jangles” on the short but proud list of musical tributes to Auburn players.

Tags: Auburn, Cam Newton, Paul Simon

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